The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
