I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
