i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
