Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
