Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
