Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
