Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
