The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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