peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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