is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
