i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
