You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
