So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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