i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
