i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
