I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
