I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
