Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
