I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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