all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
