Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
