I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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