he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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