I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
