i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I would fuck him just for his dog
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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