We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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