I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
