I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
we're making bets on your personal life
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
