its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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