Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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