I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
