no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
