So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
