I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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