There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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