don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
