he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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