if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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