I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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