He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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