So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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