another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My penis needs a shock collar
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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