I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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