He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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