i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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