getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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