Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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