what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
