The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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