i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
