He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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