I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
