On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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