I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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