apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
