The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
